Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
