just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
