I will die if light touches me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
