My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
