You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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