Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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