Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
