you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
