yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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