i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
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I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
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i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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