i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
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Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
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ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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