I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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