I wanna passion pit in your ass
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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