I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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