i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
