i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
