im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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