Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
