When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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