you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
