Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
