ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
