It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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