At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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