it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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