I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
