I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
