dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
