the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
