The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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