I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
