Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
