I love black thongs
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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