I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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