I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!