glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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