smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
