i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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