So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
