don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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