Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize