No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
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I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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