look no pants
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
