sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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