She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
