I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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