It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
