question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
