Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
