I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
