i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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