There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Hippo gnu deer
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
