I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
