i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
