Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
